To all of my paperdolls out there… I hear you. Now hear me.
Communicating with your ex has just gotten SO much more annoying. Regardless of whomever filed for divorce and who’s feelings got hurt, if there are children involved you are going to HAVE to communicate with this person.
My ex used to (and still does) try to bait me. This is 100% NOT UNCOMMON. BE CAREFUL. The best thing to do is treat your divorce as a business transaction. This is not going to happen over night, believe me. I’m still perfecting the art. Especially when dealing with a narcissist, it is easy to get caught up in the manipulation. You start to think you are dealing with a normal person who has rational thoughts and feelings in terms of your situation.
Here are a few Tips to developing your Divorce Business Savy:
- DO NOT RESPOND RIGHT AWAY UNLESS THE CHILD IS DYING: take a deep breath and put the phone down for a while
- Draft your response. Pick a friend, open a new text box, but DO NOT DRAFT IN THE TEXT CHAIN WITH YOUR EX. Write down what you believe to be a sound response. Then let it sit for a couple minutes. Go back and look for any wording that is emotionally charged or non factual.
- Repeat after me: “I disagree with your characterization of events.”: This was one of the most powerful sentences that I purchased from my lawyer at $375/hour. Today I bring this little block of gold to you for free. Your ex is going to do their damnedest to put words in your mouth which they will later print out and happily use against you in court. Mine would use words like “we both know what happened when….” or would just detail an event that was a flat out lie. Instead of firing back with justification and reasoning, throw that line at him as many times as you need to. It will make you feel safe, protected and it will REALLY fire him up.
- Create a new email account JUST for him. I am a working mother of 2. I manage a home, a ridiculous custody schedule, a full time job, a full time baby, the books for my husbands company, a professional protocol blog, my husbands website and I try to shower at least a couple of times a week (lol). The LAST thing I need is “persona non grata” dropping a scathing, idiotic, rage inducing, non important email into what was otherwise a really great moment/day. This way, you are able to be in the right place (away from your work, family etc) and state of mind when you take on his nonsense. There’s nothing worse than being caught off guard. You’re going to have a lot of that as it is on this journey. Let’s not make it any worse.
- DON’T be fooled by good behavior. This is bait. Don’t take the bait. Make your own snacks. They’re not filled with poison.
- Always be professional and cordial in your responses. You never want to look like you’re the loose cannon. “Killing them with kindness” is a weapon that is filled with ammunition far more powerful than you ever could have imagined.
Paperdoll's Guide to Divorce 