This one is a doozie…. Well, to be honest- every part of divorce, custody and modifications are a doozie. The parenting plan is critical when determining the future of your children- and this is also a safe place to say- YOURSELF! Throughout the entire custody process you’ll be told over and over again that it’s not about YOU. But in reality, it kind of IS! As much as we’d all love to believe that these items are created to serve the best interest of your child but if you’re stressed to the MAX trying to live under an impossible plan, then less benefit will come to your child in the long run.

So let’s start with the basics:

1. Parenting schedule: This is the day -to-day schedule on which you and your ex spouse will operate. There is quite a bit to take into consideration when crafting the schedule:
   1. Age of your children- the younger they are, the more it is recommended that they have frequent contact with each parent- this would best be reflected in a 2:2:3 style schedule. Two days with you, two with ex, three with you (weekend). The following week it flip flops.
   2. Custody arrangement you are working towards. Obviously a 2:2:3 or 2:2:5:5 or week on week off is great for a 50/50 schedule, however, if you are going to aim for a primary custody arrangement, think carefully about what will create the least amount of “back and forth” for the kids.
   3. After school activities. If your kids are at the age where they are participating in after school activities, you are going to need to consider this in crafting your plan as well. I’m sure we can all agree that kids have a hard enough time keeping track of their belongings in ONE household. Perhaps a more consistent schedule (Mom always Monday/Tuesday and Dad always Wednesday/Thursday) can help alleviate the need to constantly be passing items back and forth. Keep in mind, however, this schedule is created with the goal of lasting a long time so your kids schedule may not always look this way. Just something to think about if they are involved in something a little more long term.
2. Holidays: This one can be painful so put your big girl panties on and focus on the kids. Here are some of my big tips for holidays:
   1. Split everything down the middle. You get 1/2 the holidays this year- he gets the other half. Next year you switch.
   2. Whomever gets Christmas, does not also get Thanksgiving. You HAVE to share.
   3. Splitting the day sucks. Don’t do it. Allow a block of days for each parent to enjoy the season with the kids or travel if they choose. Keep in mind- whatever you give, you are also getting. This is so hard when you are first putting it into a plan because all you feel like you’re doing is giving up time. You’ll get it next year. Think about when you were a kid. After you opened your presents on Christmas or your birthday or whatever holiday you celebrate, did you then want to have to get up and leave? Probably not. I know that I wanted to stay in my pajamas all day and play with all my new stuff.
3. The kid’s birthdays. So this is a new one that I hadn’t heard of being an issue until it arose in my own custody situation. Here’s the deal. If you and your ex are able to exist in the same space together for a party with the kids, great. Here are some things to consider whether or not you’re able to do that:
   1. If you are: Designate a year per parent (which is usually outlined in the parenting plan anyway) to have the child. Whoever has the child that year for his/her birthday has first right of refusal to throw a class party or party with the child’s friends. If the parent does NOT want to host a party, the other parent has the opportunity to do so without forfeiting their regularly scheduled year the following year.
      1. Stipulations: Whoever is throwing the party is on the hook from soup to nuts. This includes selecting the theme, invitations, food, set up, break down and all financials involved. The party will take place on the regularly scheduled weekend of the parent hosting the part. This will avoid SO MUCH potential for conflict in terms of money, time and decision making. You’re divorced so chances are these are some of the fundamental disagreements that got you to this place.
      2. The other parent and any other siblings to the child will be invited to the party. This one wasn’t my favorite (in terms of the other parent) but I ultimately conceded. Step parents may also get an invitation. My ex spouses family makes me extremely uncomfortable and, in my opinion, has no problem monopolizing our son’s time during my visitation which is why I chose to limit it to the parents. Girlfriends are not invited until they become “wife”. I put my foot down when it comes to sharing my time with what could be a revolving door of women over the years. You may feel differently, which is why this is merely a suggestion.